"So, to wrap it up and make a long story short, I had the best and worst week." Week 18

"Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give...it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward." - Rocky

Thanks, Rocky for the words of encouragement. I needed them this week...not figuratively about life, but about literal, hard punches....
I showed up to the gym this week ready to gradually get back into the workouts post back injury. I could tell I was favouring my back a little bit through some of the exercises and despite feeling good, I didn't allow myself to stay for the second class of the night on Tuesday. I didn't want to push it (another major growth moment for me). I left that evening with my head held high. "Yes! I'm back" is what I thought to myself or maybe said out loud.

I then arrived at the gym on Thursday. I felt "off", not just at Kingsway, but throughout my entire day. My focus wasn't there and it was just one of those days when I could have just laid in bed under the covers and not speak to a single person for hours (am I the only one that has these days?).
Anyways, I obviously had to be a big girl and go to work and then race to the gym and soccer after....on Thursdays, I have no time to rest.
The traffic was terrible getting to the gym that evening (of course) and I arrived late. I did a quick round of skipping and jumped right into the ring. I immediately knew this was not going to end well. Mentally, at least for me, I can sense how I am going to perform, in anything that I do. I was right.

I was sparring against Shireen (a tough opponent) and I couldn't get my footwork down.. she was hitting me, A LOT and I swear I blinked and had a shot coming straight for my right cheek making full contact and sending my neck back, feeling intense whiplash. I stopped, turned around and burst into tears. It was a shock, it hurt and because of the emotional state I had been in that day, I kind of took that punch personally. Every one continued sparring around me and I felt like I was a little child standing in a 'time-out' in the corner of the ring. I thought to myself "why is no one coming to see how I'm doing?" and then I realized that Virgil was standing there, staring at me, letting me be, to see exactly what I would do next.... I walked back over to Shireen and with tears still streaming down my face, I continued fighting. I fully took advantage of our 2 minute water break and had a great cry in the bathroom, wiped away my tears, put my gloves back on and waited to be matched up against my next opponent. I felt proud of myself for this and slightly embarrassed but whatever, people cry so we can get over it, right? I think had I decided to stop fighting, then and there, I would have been terrified to step back into the ring at a later date.

Which brings me to Saturday...with conditioning class complete, I was waiting for the FTEC class to start at 10:30am. T.J told us to get our head gear, mouth guard and gloves on. I was definitely still scared but I suited up and my mental game was ON. I actually had a pep talk with myself prior to stepping into the ring and I've never felt better. I was defending, moving, landing punches and was able to absorb and put all the coaches suggestions into action. It was amazing! For the first time, everything felt natural to me. I no longer thought about every combination I was going to throw or which way I should slip to get out of the way of what punch might come next... I just knew, right then in the moment, what I was supposed to do. WHAT A REVELATION!

So, to wrap it up and make a long story short, I had the best and worst week. Now I know how it feels to have intense mood swings!

PS I received so many amazing donations this week to bring my fundraising total to over $4700! I am just over $1000 short of my goal! Thank you to everyone who donated! If you would like to help me fight to end cancer, please visit www.fighttoendcancer.ca .

PPS Our photoshoot pics were finally released this week and I LOVE them. If you haven't seen them, I added them below!

Love you all! :)

'The straw that broke the camel's back'- Week 17

"I like to call moments like this, personal growth" was a text I received from Virgil this week. I was explaining to him that after I injured my back doing a burpee in his class last weekend, that I would not be coming back to train until I felt 100%.

*Side note: If my weak ankles are any indication of the rest time I usually allow myself before I get back on the soccer field after I sprain or fracture them, it's evident that I rarely listen to my body.

Rewind to last Saturday morning when I stood up from one of the hundreds of burpees it felt like we did during an early morning cardio class. I jumped down into push up position and when I popped back up to stand, something happened. I couldn't stand up straight and there was no way I could continue class. I have never had any issues with my back so this was a new feeling and injury for me. I felt panicked (especially because I watched Million Dollar Baby the night before...depressing) and immediately felt stressed that this was the worst thing to happen and there's no way I can miss a training class or any of my daily workouts. My first thought was - I'm just going to have to work through the pain.

No, no, no. Wrong.

Fast forward to today- I haven't done any sort of physical activity since I hurt my back and it's the best thing I could have done. I have very little pain now, unless I am sitting for too long in a weird position but compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week, I feel like a million bucks!

I saw a chiropractor suggested to me by Jenn and Virgil and it made all the difference. She immediately let me know that my joint in my back lost function when I did that burpee. It wasn't necessarily that one burpee that did it but it acted as 'the straw that broke the camel's back' (see what I did there).  She gave me the real doctor term called "acute sacroiliac joint dysfunction" and also gave me some advice as to how I can prevent this from happening again with some stretches and changing the way I sleep. Any stomach sleepers out there... you need to sleep on your back or side (I don't know how that's comfortable but I'm trying really hard).

I am feeling strong both physically and mentally and I should be back at the gym this week! I feel rejuvenated and I CAN'T WAIT to get in the ring!

Like I've said before, this sport is SO mental. I'd like to think that the way I've been training my brain through this entire process has taught me how to really listen to my body. I would much rather sit out for a good chunk of time, then to come back prematurely and hurt myself further and be worse off than the initial injury.

Yay for learning and maturing! :) Go me!

Don't worry, Erica- I'll see you soon! :)

"You can ACTUALLY do anything you set your mind to!"- Week 15 & 16

With just under 3 months to go, the Fight to End Cancer continues to creep up on me. Certain things are starting to matter less to me, while others I can't keep out of my mind. It's crazy how my priorities have completely shifted and my whole world is revolved around this fight. I eat, sleep, (work) and box- with very little time for anything else and I can honestly say, I wouldn't have it any other way. Being part of this experience is important to me. It has given me an outlet to express myself both physically and mentally. I can be my complete and authentic self when I walk through the gym doors and I have no doubt that I was put in this situation for a reason.

Last weekend, I had the privilege to work with so many creative and unique individuals at the official FTEC 2015 photo shoot. It was a magical day. Not only was I loving acting as a model, getting my hair and makeup done and touched up ALL DAY LONG, but I enjoyed finally getting to know all the other brave souls who have signed up along side me for this opportunity of a lifetime. I have really come to realize that my first impressions of people (I know I shouldn't make quick judgements, but I do!) are VERY wrong.  This isn't a negative observation by any means but you learn a lot about someone when you're sitting in a green room with them for hours and hours compared to focused and training at the gym. Each fighter has something different to bring to the table and I truly feel like we are such an amazing team, even though we all have our opponents sitting right there next to us.
I was on such a high leaving the photo shoot and just wanted to hang out with every one, all the time! Hopefully my fellow fighters felt the same way about me... :)
Not only did I have the best time with the FTEC fight team, I was also amazed and blown away by the organization and support shown by all those that work behind the scenes of this event. If this photo shoot day is any indication as to how the fight night will roll out, everyone is in for a treat! I can't WAIT.

*Like 'Fight to End Cancer' on Facebook and check out behind the scenes photos and videos by clicking here.

I can hardly contain my excitement for the next few months but I don't want them to go by too fast either. I already feel depressed thinking about my life without this to look forward to- it's going to be such a bore! This entire experience has been an intense roller coaster ride and right now, I'm definitely on a high even with my slight set back during class yesterday morning with a minor back injury(from a burpee). I still feel great! My confidence is building after every class I attend and like I said in my last post- my focus is on point. I can identify what I need to work on and I can easily spot other people's strengths and weaknesses as well... this is crazy to me because 4 short months ago, I didn't even know how to throw a simple punch. Not to sound too cliche but you can ACTUALLY do anything you set your mind to!!

I hope you all have the best week and thank you for riding on this roller coaster with me!

"Maybe she has been by my side this entire time"- Week 14

On Friday morning, I attended a funeral for my old soccer coach, Monique. Monique was 49 years old and died of cancer. She was a beautiful woman, both inside and out and had a contagious personality. She was someone that you always wanted to be around. As a young soccer star, running and endurance was not my forte. I could never get my conditioning up to par with the rest of the team and I worked extremely hard on it. I would dread the thought of going on team runs as I knew this meant I would be trailing behind and holding back anyone that stayed with me. On a particular run, leaving Shell Park in Oakville and running along Lakeshore, Monique fell back to run with me and stuck by my side the entire time. It felt like we were on a run by ourselves as the rest of the team had taken off. Monique spoke to me the entire run with words of encouragement and I remember thinking that it was crazy that she was able to even speak while running- she must be in amazing shape! We spoke about a lot of different things, Monique mostly spoke and I listened, blurting out a few words through deep breaths and my pace gradually got quicker. We did our loop, never stopped to walk and completed the run, not too long after the rest of the team had finished. I felt proud and grateful. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something that I never thought I could and I was grateful to have Monique by my side both literally and figuratively. I wanted to struggle through this run to prove to myself that I could, and I wanted to do it for Monique. I'll never forget that moment.

This week, and until May 30th, I will be doing something else for Monique. I will be fighting for her. Monique helped me achieve something that I never thought possible so many years ago. When I started boxing in November, it felt a little bit like those team runs- impossible. But since then, working with countless individuals at the gym, giving me so many words of encouragement and being by my side, I have already accomplished SO much more than I could have ever imagined. I officially feel like a boxer. Correction, I am a boxer.

Training this week has been one of my best weeks yet. I honestly felt something change inside me, like a light bulb turned on unexpectedly and my focus is on point. It's at the gym and no where else. Even when I'm not at the gym, my focus is still there. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what changed, but I'm just going to go with it.
I got punched too many times in the face this week BUT I also defended many more punches than I usually do. I didn't feel like I was going to cry or like I was wanting to kill anyone that I was fighting against and I stepped out of the ring with my head held high.

My confidence (for right now) is high (I guess this is one of my "high" weeks) and I feel the way I did when I returned back from that run about 15 years ago with Monique by my side...
Come to think of it, maybe she has been by my side this entire time.

Rest in peace, Monique.

Oakville Sting in Italy- Monique is fourth from the left, back row.

"If I look like I'm going to cry or giving you a death stare...ignore it."- Week 13

This week has had its up and downs both in and out of the gym. My workouts at the gym have all kind of jumbled together into one and I can't quite remember which days are which...all I know is that there was a lot of sparring. For the most part, I felt great! I would come out of the ring and think about how I was able to defend most of the punches, well... enough for me to still have confidence. I definitely got punched numerous times by numerous different people, but I survived! I don't think I'm very good at hiding my emotions with my facial expressions and I got the sense that anyone that talked or looked at me knew at some points that I was raging mad and so frustrated. It's almost like I take getting punched, personally, which is actually comical when I admit that out loud. In the rotation of each opponent coming at me, you have to be able to quickly adjust to how that person is going to fight against you.. their stance will be different, their punches will be harder and their pace will be slower. I get irritated when some people stand in front of me and can just kill me. It's like everything I've ever learned has just flown out the window and I'm standing there as a completely open target. Having to stand there and defend punches without throwing any back is all about what is happening inside your head. It really is crazy how MENTAL this sport is. You need to focus on your opponent and only your opponent. This sport has also made me feel mental at times.

So- to my Kingsway family, if I look like I'm going to cry or am giving you a death stare when you're whaling punches at me- ignore it! And if I tell you that I didn't like you so much that night (sorry Mark & Peter), it really means that I just don't like that you were able to punch me in every possible spot on my body and I wasn't able to defend anything. I really actually love you guys! :)

The FTEC team was also given the task this week to SHOP. Me? Shop? Umm ok!!

We needed to get a gown that we will wear at the gala before our fight, but we need it for the official Fight to End Cancer photo shoot on March 1st AND there were stipulations. Erica and I needed to get a dark red dress (we were sent a colour swatch) and we need it by February 24th. This doesn't seem like a super difficult task but it was actually hard, even for me, a professional shopper!

I had the day off on Friday so my Mum and I scooted over to Buffalo to shop. I found the PERFECT dress, the first one I tried on and I instantly bought it. With my cell reception in the states, it was hard to send Jenn a picture of the dress before I bought it to get her approval. When she finally saw the picture she said the red colour was TOO light. NOOOOOO. I was so sad. So, I agreed to continue to shop. I asked my girlfriend, Jessica to meet me in Burlington to help me look on Saturday and we were having NO luck. We finally popped into a little boutique store and TA-DA! SUCCESS! It was approved by Jenn, and I LOVE it! Thanks to my Mum for taking the other dress back to Buffalo for me- you're the BEST EVER- LOVE YOU!

Through all the physical and mental training, it's nice to have something different to look forward to! I don't know about the rest of the FTEC team, but I can't wait for this photo shoot! We even get our hair and makeup done. We get to be models for the day! Yay!

Everything seems to be coming together... training has definitely ramped up- or I have just told myself it needs to, so I'm working that extra bit harder and running that extra few kilometres. My nutrition has been pretty good for the most part, I am freeing my life from anything negative or what I feel is a waste of time and I am focused. I know why I'm doing this and I was reminded of this reason in the worst possible way. I found out that the lady I spoke about in one of my earlier blog posts, my old soccer coach, died. Heaven gained another angel yesterday and she was taken from us too soon. I know she is at peace now. My heart feels heavy and I'll carry it with me to the gym this week. She didn't lose any fight to cancer, she died of this terrible disease. 

We need to continue to fight for those that can't. If you are able to donate to my fight, you can do so by clicking here.

Love you all.

"You shouldn't get a headache from this"- Week 11 and 12

"You shouldn't get a headache from this, your head might just feel weird or different." Words spoken by Mr. Virgil Barrow.

.......I might not have a headache but I definitely feel like I've been hit by a train....I woke up at 11:30am this morning and went for an afternoon nap at 1:00pm. Training is definitely picking up!

February 7, 2015 marks the first day that I strapped on my head gear, laced up my new boxing shoes and stepped into the ring to get my first hit to the head (and multiple hits following that one). I wasn't able to fight back- only defend myself. You cannot even imagine how frustrating this exercise is. The entire 2015 FTEC team was in the ring on defence,  lined up against boxing veterans and 2014 FTEC team members, anticipating punches coming flying at our faces, intending to hit us. I was terrified.....

Rewind back a couple weeks when Virgil mentioned that we were going to be making contact and that I needed to purchase a head gear... Pardon me? How has this day already come?

I had an initial freak out in my mind, asked myself why I was doing this (for the 100000 time) and then calmed down. My next move was to tell everyone I knew, that I was going to be getting punched in the head for the first time! I thought it sounded pretty badass (excuse my language). And it totally is!

I was excited to get to the boxing store and shop (I love to spend money- sorry future husband).  My experience at Beatdown Sports was a good one. I would have loved to have been able to hear what the guy at the store was thinking when he saw me walk in and say "I'm looking for a head gear thing or whatever..." to which he laughed and said "A head gear?" and then I proceeded to ask him if he had any in the colour pink...He couldn't contain his laughter in front of me... BUT it got me a free pair of pink boxing shorts! Yesss!! How cute are they?

I left the store with a black head gear, black Asics boxing shoes and my new shorts of course. :) Thanks Beatdown Sports!

I got to the gym on Saturday morning having had the most restless sleep the night before and felt SO nervous for what was in store for us. I was excited to get into the ring and really experience how it all feels with my equipment on, but when I saw Jane, Dawn, Rob and Mark waiting on the sidelines ready to take us on, my entire body was flooded with the most intense emotion. All I was thinking was "I don't want to get hit in the head." This gave me ALL the motivation I needed to really focus on the task at hand and defend, defend, defend.

Virgil had us stand in a circle and hit ourselves in the head to take away the initial shock of someone else hitting us for the first time. I felt so weird standing there punching myself but I think it actually helped. The first hit was still a shock but our opponents were definitely not winding up and giving us their most powerful shots either.

For the most part, the hour class was successful. I got hit multiple times but I learned a lot about my style and technique and things I definitely need to work on. I think I know what my strength will be but I'm not about to disclose this to Erica (my opponent)!

I got really frustrated with Virgil who was OBVIOUSLY only trying to help me and proceeded to apologize profusely to him afterwards. He claims he "gets" me now, so maybe that needed to happen.

All in all, I left the gym on Saturday feeling good! No tears and limited frustration.

I got home, took a shower and fell into bed for a good chunk of the afternoon. I am ready for the next three + months to consist of A LOT of hard work and naps.

Talk to you next week!

'Ring that Bell'- Week 10

'Ring that Bell' is what I read on the cake as I walked into the chemo clinic this week. I was there to celebrate the final chemo treatment for a woman I had just met the week before... I arrived just in time to see the final countdown of the medication drip taking it's last drop and clapping and celebrating with a family so full of hope. I took a few deep breaths and held back my tears and really took everything in...

For the past three years, working for The Princess Margaret - I have walked around the cancer centre countless times but never actually stepped foot inside the chemo clinic. I can't really say I pictured it looking any specific way but it looked like I thought it would. I sat across from this amazing woman and watched as the nurse detached her from the machines and set her 'free' from the tubes and wires. I got chills and wanted to burst into tears of happiness when I saw the smile on her face as she hugged her arm that had just received the medication. We waited for her doctor to arrive to share in the bell ringing moment. She sprung out of her chair, and marched over with determination to the large bell in the hallway (this bell is rang when you have completed your final chemo treatment). It was something I will never forget! I was so grateful to have been invited to be part of such a special moment and I can't even begin to explain all of the other emotions that flooded through me as I left this woman and her support system. She is SO strong.

I've been thinking about this all week and took this experience with me to the gym every night. I thought about my fight when I was with her and I thought about her when I was training to fight. 

This week in training, footwork seems to have been the theme. We worked on moving our feet on offence and defence and quick footwork to step into a few punches and then get the heck out of there before your opponent has a chance to hit back. Let me tell you, this stuff is hard! 

Picture by Al Quintero

Picture by Al Quintero

In our almost 2 hour class, Jenn took us through drills, using the rope ladder on the ground and looking in the mirror to mimic and help us visualize stepping into your opponent, throwing a few punches and getting out with a jab. We lined up and went over this again and again. I felt great! "This is easy", "I've got this." Fast forward an hour when I have Jane (FTEC 2014 fighter) standing in front of me. Jenn tells us to use what we JUST learned and step into our opponent and throw the punches and get out... My mind goes blank and I have NO idea what I am doing. I try and try and think I'm doing okay until Jenn comes over and completely shuts me down. Perfect. 

Jenn has a tough love approach and I both love and hate it. I hate it because it puts those negative thoughts I talked about last week back in my head but I love it because I know she is only being this tough because she knows I can do this... because I can do this, obvs (short form for obviously)! I just need to continue to tell myself that I cannot be perfect, in the sport of boxing or ever. I need to remember that there won't be time on fight night to make sure that every technique and foot positioning is just right. All I can do is remember everything I have been taught and know that whatever comes my way, I will have the knowledge to react to it in a close to perfect way. :)

When May 30th rolls around, I know that I will have every bit of confidence to step into that ring and box, for real. Physically and mentally, I will be ready for them to 'ring that bell'.

Stay tuned for next week! :)

Picture by Al Quintero

Picture by Al Quintero

Picture by Al Quintero

Picture by Al Quintero