"I am healthy and strong and beautiful and so are you"- Week 22

It's taken a lot of time and obsessing for me to really accept the way I look. Body image has always been something that consumed my thoughts even from a very young age. I have always enjoyed life, and food has been a big part of that. I love eating... who doesn't? But, growing up, I remember wondering why I looked the way I did and others (girls specifically) looked so different.

I've always been athletic and I started playing soccer early in life. The muscles in my thighs developed very quickly and I found myself becoming more and more self conscious of them. I have always had to get a bigger pant size in my waist, simply to accommodate my legs. I would then obsess over the actual size on the label and turned jean shopping into a nightmare experience (sorry, Mum).

As I got older and understood what dieting really was, I tried them all. I dieted to change my appearance, I dieted to get "healthy" and I dieted to ensure I was the best athlete I could be. I put "healthy" in quotations because at the time, even up until a few years ago- I really didn't know what "healthy" was.

I used to associate "health" with the number on the scale. "How do I weigh this much? I must not be healthy."....NO, NO, NO.
I finally realized that WEIGHT IS JUST A NUMBER and labels on clothes are ALSO JUST NUMBERS. They mean absolutely nothing....

Exception: If you are fighting in a boxing match and your weight needs to be within 10 pounds of your opponent's, the number kind of matters. I didn't know that this was as strict a rule as it really is... if we don't meet this requirement, it's simple- we don't fight.

Most members of the fight team have lost weight from their initial weigh-in 6 months ago but I have gained weight. Our weight is too close for comfort and it's my job to lose a few pounds to ensure we're as equal as possible. I'm not going to lie, the thought of this really scared me at first. I hate the emphasis of the number on the scale in this situation because even though I have gained weight, I have never felt stronger or healthier in my life.  It is definitely not easy to limit what I am eating, especially with the amount I am training. I constantly require fuel, but with the right foods, I find I am completely satisfied! The more I workout, the more I also fear that I might be gaining more muscle and upping my weight on the scale but I can't focus too much on that. I am eating as healthy as possible and doing all that I can do.

I love the way my body looks right now and despite growing up thinking my legs were ugly and big, I fully embrace them and have never been more proud to have a "voluptuous" lower half! My legs are STRONG and they're providing me with balance and stability and I should also thank them for getting me where I need to be, every second of my life.

My body is exactly the way it is because that is how I was created. I no longer want to change a single thing about myself! I don't know if it's age or boxing that brought me to this epiphany but whatever it was, I wish I had this knowledge and love for myself as far back as I can remember.

I am healthy and strong and beautiful and SO ARE YOU. Believe that. Confidence is the prettiest accessory you can wear.

What.The.F*$%.- Week 21

What.The.F*S%.

I knew this day was coming... I had been warned about it by some of the past FTEC fighters... the day that we would get in the ring against Virgil. I never really thought anything of it and with my confidence building each day, I thought it couldn't be THAT bad.

I WAS WRONG.

'Shocking' is the best way I could describe what went down yesterday. How could Virgil, this beautiful, amazing, NICE man who I thought was my FRIEND turn into this evil villain and punch me THAT hard SO many times in the face? SHOCK. How rude.

I had to wait my turn as I watched him basically beat up everyone that went before me.  I took a few deeps breaths, gave myself an actual pep talk in the mirror and reluctantly stepped into the ring. I was asking Sasa (my corner coach for this fight) so many questions just to delay this from actually happening. I honestly can't even explain to you how it all went down because I forgot every single thing I've ever been taught thus far in boxing. The first two minutes surprisingly went by fairly quickly and I was sitting in my corner, with Sasa in front of me giving me water as my tears came FLOWING down my cheeks. He asked if I wanted to stop and I asked him to wipe my tears off my face. I was ready for round two. The next two rounds went by slower than the first one but I felt like I stood my ground a little better than I did initially. I was focused and out of the 'survival mode' I fell into right off the bat.

Finally, I was done and still standing- until I raced to the bathroom and fell to the floor in full on hysterics. Come on, of course I cried. I have NEVER felt anything like this before. Physically, I was fine, I was just emotionally drained from six long minutes. So many different thoughts were entering and exiting my brain. I didn't even know what to think.

What I do know is I am SO thankful that so many of my 'crazy' Kingsway Boxing family have and just did go through the exact same experience I did. I wasn't alone. I mean, maybe some of the guys didn't outwardly show their feelings like I did, but I could sense their tears building up...just wanting to be set free. I had the best talks with some amazing people who finally calmed me down after this insane experience. Thank you guys, you know who you are. :)

Now, sitting here feeling like an actual truck ran over me, I have a whole new set of emotions. I am BEYOND proud of myself. I made it through three full rounds with a MAN who is big, strong and an experienced and amazing boxer who also knows exactly how I fight. OF COURSE he was going to beat me up!
My weaknesses became VERY obvious to me and I am already working on them every time I pass a mirror in my condo. I am a boxer and I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am surprising myself!

I didn't realize coming into this entire experience, how much it was going to change me. I had the opportunity to take this stand and chose to knock cancer out and I'm doing it for those who weren't and won't be given that choice.

Today I am feeling strong, motivated, powerful and amazing.

Side note: Jenn and David came to my work on Thursday to film The Princess Margaret's President & CEO, Paul Alofs and to get some funny little clips of me, hard at work! I can't wait to see how everything comes together!! It was such a fun afternoon!

Have a great week, people and don't forget to take a minute and acknowledge how amazing you are every once in a while!

PS Check out these amazing pics by Nicholas Theodorou taken on Easter Weekend from our video shoot!

"What am I going to think about after this?" -Week 19 & 20

It is April 6th today... that means there is 53 days left until the fight.... pardon? I can't even deal. Not to mention there is even less time before I have to get up on that stage in front of the media and step onto a scale.. what woman would ever consciously say they want to do that? NOT ME. But I'll survive.

It's insane that in less than 2 months, this is all going to be over. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to think about after this?

Here is a little recap of the amazingness that is being a fighter in FTEC:

1. You learn a completely new sport (and actually get pretty good at it if you put in the time).

2. You get to be part of the coolest photo shoots! I know some people  might not love this but regardless of your comfort in front of a camera, the entire day spent with the FTEC team and all of the amazing individuals behind the success of the event was a day I will never forget. Team bonding at its best!

3. No matter what I have going on in my personal life, sometimes the most difficult experiences- I know that I can show up at the gym, no judgement and no questions asked and completely escape from the real world. (That feeling I get when I'm on the soccer field is now the same feeling I have when I'm in the ring)

4. You gain a new family- I was handed the most badass family of anyone around- my coaches, my fellow FTEC team and every single individual at the gym that puts in so much time and lots of sweat to help us prepare for the big day. They may be swinging hard at our bodies and faces but in the end- they do it because they love us.

5. You get to be part of something so much bigger than you could have ever imagined... Seriously, when would I have ever had the opportunity to train for 7 months for a BOXING match? I have been watching boxing on TV and I'm like.."Oh my God... I'm doing what?!" But IT'S SO COOL. Not only am I boxing, but I am raising money for CANCER RESEARCH. I am fighting for those who can't. Why wouldn't I do this?

Now, I know that the above list sounds pretty amazing... at least it does to me and I am so lucky to have experienced it all, but you all know if you've read any of my blog posts that this journey is NOT EASY. Here is a list of some of the things that go through my head on a regular basis:

1."Wait, why am I doing this?"
2. "I hate boxing."
3. "I LOVE BOXING!"
4. "I can't believe he hit me so hard in the face."
5. "Why isn't he trying hard with me?"
6. "Why doesn't she hit me harder? Does she not think I can take it?"
7. "He must not think I'm very good."
8. "Virgil put me with all the guys because he thinks I'm good enough"
9. "Virgil took me out of the ring with all the guys because he doesn't think I'm good enough"
10. "I'm the best boxer EVER"

BUT, no matter what my thought process was that day and as you can see, it goes up and down and all over the place... my lasting thought is that I am obsessed with everything this experience has offered me.
I love going to the gym, I love getting in the ring, I love texting Virgil on a regular basis to annoy him because he said we can text him at any time of any day and he'd respond (and he always does!) and I love the people I have met and grown so close to.

I am SUPER excited for all the excitement to continue to build all the way to FIGHT NIGHT but I am SO sad because I don't want this to end!!!!

Thank you to my entire Kingsway Family and everyone that has been part of my journey. This is something that I will NEVER EVER EVER EVERRRRRR forget.

AND- thank you to all of my donors, friends and family for sponsoring me in this fight! I am just short of $6000! If you can and would like to support me, you can follow this link: http://www.fighttoendcancer.com/fighters/

"So, to wrap it up and make a long story short, I had the best and worst week." Week 18

"Life's not about how hard of a hit you can give...it's about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward." - Rocky

Thanks, Rocky for the words of encouragement. I needed them this week...not figuratively about life, but about literal, hard punches....
I showed up to the gym this week ready to gradually get back into the workouts post back injury. I could tell I was favouring my back a little bit through some of the exercises and despite feeling good, I didn't allow myself to stay for the second class of the night on Tuesday. I didn't want to push it (another major growth moment for me). I left that evening with my head held high. "Yes! I'm back" is what I thought to myself or maybe said out loud.

I then arrived at the gym on Thursday. I felt "off", not just at Kingsway, but throughout my entire day. My focus wasn't there and it was just one of those days when I could have just laid in bed under the covers and not speak to a single person for hours (am I the only one that has these days?).
Anyways, I obviously had to be a big girl and go to work and then race to the gym and soccer after....on Thursdays, I have no time to rest.
The traffic was terrible getting to the gym that evening (of course) and I arrived late. I did a quick round of skipping and jumped right into the ring. I immediately knew this was not going to end well. Mentally, at least for me, I can sense how I am going to perform, in anything that I do. I was right.

I was sparring against Shireen (a tough opponent) and I couldn't get my footwork down.. she was hitting me, A LOT and I swear I blinked and had a shot coming straight for my right cheek making full contact and sending my neck back, feeling intense whiplash. I stopped, turned around and burst into tears. It was a shock, it hurt and because of the emotional state I had been in that day, I kind of took that punch personally. Every one continued sparring around me and I felt like I was a little child standing in a 'time-out' in the corner of the ring. I thought to myself "why is no one coming to see how I'm doing?" and then I realized that Virgil was standing there, staring at me, letting me be, to see exactly what I would do next.... I walked back over to Shireen and with tears still streaming down my face, I continued fighting. I fully took advantage of our 2 minute water break and had a great cry in the bathroom, wiped away my tears, put my gloves back on and waited to be matched up against my next opponent. I felt proud of myself for this and slightly embarrassed but whatever, people cry so we can get over it, right? I think had I decided to stop fighting, then and there, I would have been terrified to step back into the ring at a later date.

Which brings me to Saturday...with conditioning class complete, I was waiting for the FTEC class to start at 10:30am. T.J told us to get our head gear, mouth guard and gloves on. I was definitely still scared but I suited up and my mental game was ON. I actually had a pep talk with myself prior to stepping into the ring and I've never felt better. I was defending, moving, landing punches and was able to absorb and put all the coaches suggestions into action. It was amazing! For the first time, everything felt natural to me. I no longer thought about every combination I was going to throw or which way I should slip to get out of the way of what punch might come next... I just knew, right then in the moment, what I was supposed to do. WHAT A REVELATION!

So, to wrap it up and make a long story short, I had the best and worst week. Now I know how it feels to have intense mood swings!

PS I received so many amazing donations this week to bring my fundraising total to over $4700! I am just over $1000 short of my goal! Thank you to everyone who donated! If you would like to help me fight to end cancer, please visit www.fighttoendcancer.ca .

PPS Our photoshoot pics were finally released this week and I LOVE them. If you haven't seen them, I added them below!

Love you all! :)

'The straw that broke the camel's back'- Week 17

"I like to call moments like this, personal growth" was a text I received from Virgil this week. I was explaining to him that after I injured my back doing a burpee in his class last weekend, that I would not be coming back to train until I felt 100%.

*Side note: If my weak ankles are any indication of the rest time I usually allow myself before I get back on the soccer field after I sprain or fracture them, it's evident that I rarely listen to my body.

Rewind to last Saturday morning when I stood up from one of the hundreds of burpees it felt like we did during an early morning cardio class. I jumped down into push up position and when I popped back up to stand, something happened. I couldn't stand up straight and there was no way I could continue class. I have never had any issues with my back so this was a new feeling and injury for me. I felt panicked (especially because I watched Million Dollar Baby the night before...depressing) and immediately felt stressed that this was the worst thing to happen and there's no way I can miss a training class or any of my daily workouts. My first thought was - I'm just going to have to work through the pain.

No, no, no. Wrong.

Fast forward to today- I haven't done any sort of physical activity since I hurt my back and it's the best thing I could have done. I have very little pain now, unless I am sitting for too long in a weird position but compared to how I was feeling earlier in the week, I feel like a million bucks!

I saw a chiropractor suggested to me by Jenn and Virgil and it made all the difference. She immediately let me know that my joint in my back lost function when I did that burpee. It wasn't necessarily that one burpee that did it but it acted as 'the straw that broke the camel's back' (see what I did there).  She gave me the real doctor term called "acute sacroiliac joint dysfunction" and also gave me some advice as to how I can prevent this from happening again with some stretches and changing the way I sleep. Any stomach sleepers out there... you need to sleep on your back or side (I don't know how that's comfortable but I'm trying really hard).

I am feeling strong both physically and mentally and I should be back at the gym this week! I feel rejuvenated and I CAN'T WAIT to get in the ring!

Like I've said before, this sport is SO mental. I'd like to think that the way I've been training my brain through this entire process has taught me how to really listen to my body. I would much rather sit out for a good chunk of time, then to come back prematurely and hurt myself further and be worse off than the initial injury.

Yay for learning and maturing! :) Go me!

Don't worry, Erica- I'll see you soon! :)

"You can ACTUALLY do anything you set your mind to!"- Week 15 & 16

With just under 3 months to go, the Fight to End Cancer continues to creep up on me. Certain things are starting to matter less to me, while others I can't keep out of my mind. It's crazy how my priorities have completely shifted and my whole world is revolved around this fight. I eat, sleep, (work) and box- with very little time for anything else and I can honestly say, I wouldn't have it any other way. Being part of this experience is important to me. It has given me an outlet to express myself both physically and mentally. I can be my complete and authentic self when I walk through the gym doors and I have no doubt that I was put in this situation for a reason.

Last weekend, I had the privilege to work with so many creative and unique individuals at the official FTEC 2015 photo shoot. It was a magical day. Not only was I loving acting as a model, getting my hair and makeup done and touched up ALL DAY LONG, but I enjoyed finally getting to know all the other brave souls who have signed up along side me for this opportunity of a lifetime. I have really come to realize that my first impressions of people (I know I shouldn't make quick judgements, but I do!) are VERY wrong.  This isn't a negative observation by any means but you learn a lot about someone when you're sitting in a green room with them for hours and hours compared to focused and training at the gym. Each fighter has something different to bring to the table and I truly feel like we are such an amazing team, even though we all have our opponents sitting right there next to us.
I was on such a high leaving the photo shoot and just wanted to hang out with every one, all the time! Hopefully my fellow fighters felt the same way about me... :)
Not only did I have the best time with the FTEC fight team, I was also amazed and blown away by the organization and support shown by all those that work behind the scenes of this event. If this photo shoot day is any indication as to how the fight night will roll out, everyone is in for a treat! I can't WAIT.

*Like 'Fight to End Cancer' on Facebook and check out behind the scenes photos and videos by clicking here.

I can hardly contain my excitement for the next few months but I don't want them to go by too fast either. I already feel depressed thinking about my life without this to look forward to- it's going to be such a bore! This entire experience has been an intense roller coaster ride and right now, I'm definitely on a high even with my slight set back during class yesterday morning with a minor back injury(from a burpee). I still feel great! My confidence is building after every class I attend and like I said in my last post- my focus is on point. I can identify what I need to work on and I can easily spot other people's strengths and weaknesses as well... this is crazy to me because 4 short months ago, I didn't even know how to throw a simple punch. Not to sound too cliche but you can ACTUALLY do anything you set your mind to!!

I hope you all have the best week and thank you for riding on this roller coaster with me!

"Maybe she has been by my side this entire time"- Week 14

On Friday morning, I attended a funeral for my old soccer coach, Monique. Monique was 49 years old and died of cancer. She was a beautiful woman, both inside and out and had a contagious personality. She was someone that you always wanted to be around. As a young soccer star, running and endurance was not my forte. I could never get my conditioning up to par with the rest of the team and I worked extremely hard on it. I would dread the thought of going on team runs as I knew this meant I would be trailing behind and holding back anyone that stayed with me. On a particular run, leaving Shell Park in Oakville and running along Lakeshore, Monique fell back to run with me and stuck by my side the entire time. It felt like we were on a run by ourselves as the rest of the team had taken off. Monique spoke to me the entire run with words of encouragement and I remember thinking that it was crazy that she was able to even speak while running- she must be in amazing shape! We spoke about a lot of different things, Monique mostly spoke and I listened, blurting out a few words through deep breaths and my pace gradually got quicker. We did our loop, never stopped to walk and completed the run, not too long after the rest of the team had finished. I felt proud and grateful. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something that I never thought I could and I was grateful to have Monique by my side both literally and figuratively. I wanted to struggle through this run to prove to myself that I could, and I wanted to do it for Monique. I'll never forget that moment.

This week, and until May 30th, I will be doing something else for Monique. I will be fighting for her. Monique helped me achieve something that I never thought possible so many years ago. When I started boxing in November, it felt a little bit like those team runs- impossible. But since then, working with countless individuals at the gym, giving me so many words of encouragement and being by my side, I have already accomplished SO much more than I could have ever imagined. I officially feel like a boxer. Correction, I am a boxer.

Training this week has been one of my best weeks yet. I honestly felt something change inside me, like a light bulb turned on unexpectedly and my focus is on point. It's at the gym and no where else. Even when I'm not at the gym, my focus is still there. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what changed, but I'm just going to go with it.
I got punched too many times in the face this week BUT I also defended many more punches than I usually do. I didn't feel like I was going to cry or like I was wanting to kill anyone that I was fighting against and I stepped out of the ring with my head held high.

My confidence (for right now) is high (I guess this is one of my "high" weeks) and I feel the way I did when I returned back from that run about 15 years ago with Monique by my side...
Come to think of it, maybe she has been by my side this entire time.

Rest in peace, Monique.

Oakville Sting in Italy- Monique is fourth from the left, back row.